Unspoken Addictions

I am in so much pain
that I’ve developed addictions
some I don’t even recognize.
One I know is overeating
sweets bring me
comfort, satisfaction,
a moment of happiness.

The other day,
I ate Carl’s Jr.,
even though I wasn’t hungry.

Another addiction:
giving my body pain,
Simply driving myself toward unhealthiness.
Not eating well.
Spotting all month long.
My body cries,
but I ignore it.

I have control issues.
I need to know everything
what’s happening,
what might happen
because surprises hurt.
Because I don’t want to be the fool
again.

Secrets keep you from intimacy
with people,
with God.
I see it in myself.
I don’t share my personal life at work.
They don’t really know me.
Not truly.

And I fear
my secrets will reach beyond me
will touch the lives
of all my descendants.

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